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depression diaries

2002 - 2003
Paxil

I received my first depression and anxiety diagnosis when I was 15. I had originally gone to the doctors because I was having some severe OCD symptoms. When it came to OCD, I had rituals that I would need to do everyday, most often before bed, and sometimes the rituals would last more than an hour. I had sets of numbers that I did tasks in, most commonly opening/closing doors and switching lights on/off, all in sets of 3, 9, or 21. If I didn't perform these tasks, there was something inside me telling me that something bad would happen to someone I cared about. So the initial idea was to help treat this, and since there weren't any medicines specifically dedicated to OCD at the time, the doctor gave me a combination of sleep medication and anti-depressant medicine. This helped ease the OCD symptoms, but at the same time, messed me up, gave me hallucinations, and brought me to apathy. So I couldn't really continue...

2011-2012
Zoloft I started seeing a counselor and psychiatrist when I finally was able to have student health insurance at Temple University. I didn't have a good feeling with the counselor, so I only attended once, but I also saw the psychiatrist who prescribed me Zoloft. I can't remember how long this lasted, but it did give me some relief, and I came off it when I lost my health insurance.


Jun 2014 - Aug 2016
Welbutrin

Aug 2014 - Aug 2016
Zoloft

May 2017 - Jan 2018
Welbutrin

Jan 2019 - May 2020
Welbutrin

Apr 2021 - Dec 2021
Welbutrin

Jul 2022 - Aug 2025
Lexapro

So, why depression?

I can't really discuss the things that happened in my childhood on here, so all I can say is that it's related to childhood trauma, abuse, and bullying, at school and at home. These things can later go on to affect self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and trust. The best thing a person can do, in my point of view and when they are ready, is to live a life that is opposite of what they experienced, and treat people opposite of how they were treated. So I try my best to do that. Even though this is perhaps the initial underlying cause of depression and anxiety in me, I have to say that it's not something I think about, and most days, depression to me just feels like being weighed down by heavy clouds. Sometimes it's a feeling in my chest, my throat, and quite often being pressed in the center of my forehead.

What can be done?

Now that I'm at a bit more stable point in my life, away from many of my big triggers, I feel like I can be on the path to recovery without medicine. I watched a video recently about a person who treats handling depression and anxiety as kind of a full time job, not only when he feels bad, but takes everyday as preventine measures, so that he can avoid falling into the pit. I think this is a good way to look at it. Because our minds are disadvantaged, we had to take extra special care of them everyday.

my list:
journaling when i wake up
taking walks
eating good food
watching movies and playing games
spending time in nature
going to exercise 2x / 3x a week
not using smartphone too much
limit social media / world news
work on things that i enjoy, such as this website
read before bed